Guest Entry: A Success Story

Laurie Coulter, author of "Two Homes" says that the secret to successful shared parenting begins with a positive outlook. While there are often feelings of anger and bitterness between parents, in order to co-parent successfully it’s vital that these emotions are put aside so that parents can "develop a parenting partnership based on the needs of the child rather than your own needs", says Coulter.

These impressive goals can be challenging to parents requiring a firm commitment by both parties. I believe the praiseworthy covenant calls for integrity, maturity, consistency, and perseverance in order to succeed. Attributes that are inadequate in Loretta Serrano’s character as indicated by her perpetual stubborn lack of cooperation.

I am pleased to present the following guest entry, which outlines a healthy approach to shared parenting. I offer the highest commendations to Claire for her unwavering dedication on behalf of her children's welfare.

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I think that the difference between the way I view parenting, and the way you do, MOO is that I have consciously removed my own ego from the equation. Parenting is not about what I need or want, it is about what my child needs. I have tried to explain this previously, but perhaps it is not getting through.

I have had primary custody for most of their lives. At times, we switch it up for the sake of other circumstances - like when their step mom was pregnant and due to deliver her first baby, my kids went to live with their Dad for a year and a bit. Do you want to how that happened? At first, I was taken back by the request. It felt weird. Then, I talked to the kids about it, they were REALLY excited about the possibility of living with their Dad, whom they did not remember living with since we broke up when they were very small. They were also super excited about having a new sibling.

Then, I started thinking about my life in comparison to theirs. I was working full time, going to school part time and my kids were in full time daycare. They had never known their mom to be at home, to pick them up from school or drop them off at school, to attend field trips, to be able to come home after school and do after school activities, etc. When their step mom had the baby, she planned to stay home for a year. It made perfect sense for them to go there! They would have the opportunity to have the experience of living with their father, they would have more of a 'home' atmosphere, and be a part of their new siblings' first year of life.

The choice seemed obvious to me. I did what was good for THEM. I put aside my feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame whatever. I didn't really have them anyway. But people were surprised, very surprised sometimes, that I would be willing to let them go. I just don't see them as commodities. And, I get from Cathy that she doesn't either. It's just about making the child feel loved, appreciated, WELCOME and nurtured.

It's my opinion that it is very immature and selfish to play ownership games with ex spouses. The only harm it inflicts is on the children. I don't have to like my ex husband, nor his wife. Really, that is completely inconsequential. The kids don't need to know about how I view them or their lives. It is how they feel that is important. That said, my ex and his wife and I all have a very good relationship now. It has had ups and downs, but never at the expense of our kids.

I am only relaying this information to show how easy, painless and helpful it can be to co-parent. A really great motto might be, "Don't sweat the small stuff." and I'm sure we all know that it is all small stuff. Thanks for letting me share, sorry for the length!

Claire 07.12.06 - 10:02 pm

Well, it was pretty much decided that they would come back after she went back to work. During that year, I moved to the city where they lived which has been the most difficult part. This city is one of the most expensive areas in Canada. But we lived two blocks away from each other until just a few months ago, when I moved a little further. Still very close though.

Now, we have more of a split custody arrangement, which is actually to his benefit. I have one full time, and he has one full time although really they are both 50-50 here and there. That way, nobody pays anybody to alleviate the financial burden of child support.

I like it better this way, financially, because I am completely and absolutely independent financially from him. He likes it, obviously, because he doesn't have to pay any more. That said, it is a good thing I have a decent income (although it is never enough with teenagers!)

It's not "traditional", but it works for us. So, there is hope!

Claire 07.13.06 - 2:10 am